


In any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you

by PseftisIncertus



Category: Black Mirror (TV), Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Angst, M/M, San Junipero X Bandersnatch, Selfish ending, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-15 23:25:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19305988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseftisIncertus/pseuds/PseftisIncertus
Summary: What if Stefan stayed on only one path and lived on? What if Colin lived all those alternate realities that Stefan's choices brought? What if this time they get the chance to choose?





	In any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you

**Author's Note:**

> After 9 months and I'm back. Yeay for me
> 
> Warning: I twerk some rules and ideas from both of the episodes and try to explain them as much as I can so please bear with me. Honestly, I'd like to focus on Stefan and Colin's relationship more than the concept itself but I try to be as canon compliant as I can. Second note, I don't know shit about cars and driving (You'd be surprised how old I am and how I survive the world without that skill) so any errors, I apologize in advance.
> 
> The song is 'Heaven is a place on Earth' by Belinda Carlisle
> 
> Enjoy :)

_Ooh baby do you know what that's worth?_  
_Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth_

The elevator Stefan was riding on was filled with music, the song was from the 1980's if he remembered correctly but his surroundings did not correspond to the year. He noticed the buttons on the side of the sliding doors and it was exactly what it was during 1958. He ran his hand on his hair and it was as brown and curly as he remembered it to be when he was 22 years old, not grey and rough. He checked his reflection on the reflective metal on the walls, he was lean and his skin was soft and calloused, no wrinkles in sight. His eyes were dark and lashes long, they had little life in them. He held his face and he remembered what the people in the facility told him.

"You would look as young as you desired to be. You can jump to different time lines and your appearance would correspond with that. Sadly, if you meet someone you know who haven't reach that time, they can't travel with you. Also, because its just a trial run, you'll have timers on the back of your right hand. You got 8 hours", the man named Greg told him. Stefan adjusts his position on the chair to make himself more comfortable, Kitty was smiling at him from the other side of the room, she was also being set up on her own chair. He observed Greg setting his machine up and tried to ask, "How will it know which year I would be transported to?"

"Its based on your consciousness so most probably what year you want would be the year you'll go to", he smiled. Stefan did not return the gesture and simply laid his head on his chair. 

_How will it know if I myself don't know where I want to be transported to?_ , Stefan told himself. 

"Ready?", Greg asked the two

"Yes", both of them replied. "See you there", Kitty said smiling at him. Stefan smiled back.

He closed his eyes and allowed the system to invade his senses. A few seconds later he can’t feel any of his body and his consciousness slowly drifted away, the background noise turned static until it fell completely quiet. 

Ding!

He was pulled out from his musing by a familiar sound. The elevator door opened and he was greeted by an office. Stefan walked out of the elevator and looked around. It was how he remembered it to be, white walls and dozen of desks filled with old computers. Posters adorned the walls and papers piled on boxes. He walked around to take in more of the place until he notice only one computer was turned on. Recognition suddenly dawned on him, he knew that workplace, he knew that computer, he knew who sat on that chair and he could almost imagine the smell of smoke from a cigarette. He took a deep breath and walked closer. Nohzdyve was on, Stefan looked around the office, he had no idea what he was going to do in San Junipero so he might as well enjoy the old stuff he used to. As soon as he sat on the chair and his hands felt the keyboard, it felt as if life was slowly sipping into him. He pressed a button and the game starts. He didn't intend to play earnestly but as soon as the character on the screen fell head first, his senses zeroed in on the game. Every press of the button felt electric and as he continued level per level, his smile grew wider and wider. He never had the chance to play this game and now he was able to. He was holding his breath as he finish another level, he prepared for the next when the pixels on the screen turned black and white. 

"What the-"

"Haven't finish that part yet", a voice from behind startled him. Stefan looked back and he fell from his chair, he was looking at the man up and down and he was shaking his head. Was he seeing things? Was this part of the program? Is his consciousness playing with him?

Colin simply sat on his chair and looked at Stefan, he scoffed at the guy and whirled his seat back to face the computer.

"Never imagined that's how you look like surprised" the blonde said, resuming his work on the computer. Stefan tried to stand up and collect himself, his rubbing his face and muttering to himself.

"This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn-" 

Colin looked at the distressed man and decided to hold out his arm, "Touch me", he commanded. The man refused and was hesitant.

Colin stepped closer and held Stefan's face, "Is that real enough for you?" the programmer asked which calmed him a bit.

"But how? How are you here in San Junipero?" Stefan asks, not completely believing what he was seeing. "I mean you died, 50 years ago, I saw you die, I saw you jumped in that goddamn balcony, I saw your head, I saw those blood . . . ", at this point Stefan was already hyperventilating. Colin stepped back and sat on his desk. He crossed his arm and looked out the window.

"That San Junipero sound familiar" the blonde said. Stefan looked at him, "Yes exactly, how are you here? How are you in this virtual reality?" the man was trying to make sense of everything.

"I don't exactly remember, but there were a group of people who came to my unit once. Told me something about transferring consciousness into some sort of cloud. Didn't make sense much but they said something about making the purgatory visual. I'm a cynic but I signed up anyway. Did something in my head and never heard from them again." Colin explained and looked at Stefan curiously. "How old are you? Back in the real world?" 

"72", Stefan replied. 

"50 years then", there was a moment of silence. The brunet started biting on his nails, "Took them 50 years to make it happen. So, how did you die?", the blonde asked.

"I, I didn't die yet" Stefan replied. "I'm still on my trial run of the program, 8 hours", he showed his timer, **7:30**.

"Trial run, huh", the programmer walked around the office. "Must have been an awful 50 years, what happened to Tuc-"

"How long have you been here?", Stefan interrupted. The question has been nagging his head. If Colin was one of those 50 people that the facility tested on, how long could he have been here?

"1 week, 2 weeks I don't know. I just woke up in here." Colin referred to the office. His colleague noticed the back of the blonde's hand has no timer, he sat on the desk "That's a good thing. I thought you were here for the past 50 years. But then again, you told me time was a construct" the game designer tried to lighten up the mood.

"I did, didn't I?" the programmer replied while looking at the posters on the wall. "Let's get out of here", the blonde headed to the elevator and Stefan quickly followed. They went out of the building and everything turned out to be a nostalgic scene. It was how Stefan remembered it. The streets, the cars, even the street signs. He was taking in the scenery when he saw Colin waiting for him in front of a restaurant. They both went in, there were some people but most of them were too drawn to themselves. The programmer picked a booth near the window and settled in, Stefan followed and a waitress came, took their orders and left. 

"What happened to you? After I died", Colin asked sipping at his drink as soon as the waitress brought their orders. Stefan was hesitant, he stared at his drink longer than necessary.

"What became of Bandersnatch?" the blonde continued, needing an answer from the game designer. 

"It was a failure" he replied. The game was never released. "Did you try again?", Colin asked.

"No", was Stefan's soft reply, he continued swirling his straw on his drink with a melancholic mood.

"Why not?" the programmer asked. The brunet looked at him irritably as if he was being forced to relive everything that had happened.

"It, it was no good and I was. . .", he stopped midsentence, memories flashed through him.

"Was what?"

"Was admitted to a mental institute", Stefan forced himself to say. It was bile on his tongue and reliving the memory of it made him angry.

The blonde scoffed, "Wasn't expecting that one"

The game designer stared at him, it was a bitter memory and it was hard to talked about even after all those years but Colin scoffs at it as if its something trivial. 

"I suppose you'd want details?", he asked sarcastically and the programmer laid back on his chair and crossed his arms, conveying that Stefan guessed right. For a moment, Stefan reconsider of leaving, but what does he have to lose? He had nothing else to do on San Junipero. Colin was a programmer and he distinctly remembered that this man once said that you need a little bit of madness somehow.

"I was seeing a therapist then, my dad brought me there. Told my therapist what happened in that balcony and that I felt like I'm not in control of my body and suddenly things got out of hand. I fought with her and later people came to take me out. The doctors suggested I spend time in the mental institute to recover", he said with resignation. 

"You weren't in control of your body? Like someone is doing the choices for you?" the blonde prodded him further. 

"Yeah, like someone is forcing me to bite my nails or something, like-", Stefan engaged, there was genuine curiosity in Colin's eyes.

"After everything, you'll go on a time loop? Yeah?" 

"No, just . . . ", the game designer said. "I'm just not in control of my movements. Have you experience the same thing?", Stefan felt a little hope, maybe he wasn't the only one, maybe someone could relate to the bizarre event in his life that turned everything downhill.

"No", Colin responded. They were silent, for a minute Stefan thought he and Colin were on the same page, he looked as if he was hoping they experienced the same thing but turns out, they didn't. The silence stretch on until it was uncomfortable. He felt compelled to break the silence.

"I was on a time loop", Colin said suddenly 

"What do you mean?"

The blonde took a deep breath and placed his hands on the table, entwining his fingers. "I keep returning to that time I was creating Nohzdyve. Something happens and suddenly I wake up, go to work and back to it again. I don't know what triggers it. Sometimes I jump from that balcony, sometimes I get killed, sometimes I leave for somewhere and suddenly I wake up, and back to it again."

Stefan was making sense of what he was hearing. If someone else is controlling your movements, entering in a time loop is another level of bizarre. 

"You look constipated", Colin says.

"Its just-", the game designer was trying to understand how time loop works.

"You believe that someone invisible is controlling your choices and suddenly me, entering into a time loop, doesn't make sense?", the programmer mocks.

Stefan looks at him. "Its hard to take in." The blonde looks out the window.

"How did that feel? Experiencing things again and again? How many times did you enter the loop?", he was curious. His situation drove him mad, how could someone react if they're in a time loop?

"The first ten times drove me insane. There was one time I even tried to kill myself until I finally made peace with my situation." Colin explained. "I can't remember how many times I have to go through it"

Stefan noticed Colin's long sleeves slightly roll up, he saw slashes across his wrist that disappear through the sleeves. The programmer noticed this and place his hand under the table. The game designer admonish himself. 

"H-how were you able to go through it?", Stefan tried to backtrack his actions.

"I had someone I keep getting back to", Colin replied. He looked at the brunet pensively, Stefan met his gaze and suddenly he was struck with the realization. 

"Kitty . . . she's he-"

"Where do you live?", the blonde interrupted. The game designer was surprised.

"J-just a few blocks away from here", Stefan replied. Colin looked at his companion's drink and the other took this as sign to finish up, he noticed the timer, **5:10**. The brunet drank the whole thing and followed the other guy out from the restaurant. The blonde paused for awhile as if searching then went straight to his destination. Stefan ran to keep up until he realized what Colin decided to do.

"That's a Chrysler, the 1956 Chrysler Windsor Newport", the brunet said in amazement.

"You know your cars, that's good. Come on", the programmer opened the door and sat on the driver's seat. Stefan can't grasp the idea, he only saw this kinds of cars on magazines and never dreamed of actually driving one.

Colin sighs, "You're basically on a virtual reality and you still ground yourself. Hop in or I'm leaving you." The game designer sat on the passenger seat and took in his surroundings. He admired the car's interior design and feel of the leather seat. The blonde looked at Stefan, he leaned closer reaching out, the brunet look back at him, faces mere inches apart, "Wha-", suddenly, he heard a familiar pull of the seatbelt, "Buckle up", the programmer said and the game designer took it and lock it in place, "Sorry" At first, they sat on companionable silence until Colin spared Stefan a glance. The brunet was silent and was looking out the window. The programmer stepped on the clutch to shift into fifth gear, release and stepped on the accelerator, the car gradually picked up speed.

"Colin, what are you doing? Colin wait?!", Stefan held his companion's long sleeve. The car accelerated to the point where every house and building they pass through were blurred. The wind was on the brunet's face and the engine's sound was deafening. The programmer drifts the car in the middle of the road, engulfing them in tire smoke.

"Never lived a day in your life, Butler?", the blonde asked

Stefan was trying to calm himself, his nerves were threatening to burst out, "I'm not exactly a thrill seeker"

"But did you wish you were?", Colin looked at him, revving up the engine

The brunet realized what he intended to do, this would undoubtedly lead to an accident but his senses starts tingling. Was it the danger in what they're doing? The sudden need for speed? The freedom from limitations? He wasn't exactly a delinquent but along with the guilt, there's unexplainable fun in breaking the rules. He let go of Colin's sleeve, he held the side of his seat tight and reach out for the door handle signifying to the blonde that he was on board on what he was planning.

"I hope you don't piss yourself", the programmer says, revved the engine once more before stepping on the accelerator, speeding up. 

They were going faster than they did earlier and all Stefan could think of was the thrill of it all, going on top speed with no one to stop them. It was a breath of fresh air, in that moment he was just Stefan who enjoyed speeding in an empty highway rather than Stefan Butler who had a past that weighed him down for life. He closed his eyes and felt the wind pass on him, the sound of engine working double time and tires screeching. In that moment, he was at peace.

The blonde finally drifts the car until it stops on an abandoned parking lot. As soon as they got a grip of themselves, Stefan started to chuckle until he burst out laughing. Colin looked at him and smirked, he laid his head on the car seat. 

"I'd love to do that again but I don't want to get into an accident", the brunet said as soon as he calmed himself.

"It's not like you're going to die", the programmer closed his eyes

"I wouldn't but my time here would be cut short"

Colin look ahead, "You can come back. Its a virtual reality"

"I know", Stefan said, he looked straight ahead and his face turned pensive. "I was just planning on giving it a try, made up mind despite what happens here"

The blonde glanced on the timer on the brunet's hand, **4:28**. He took a deep breath, he understood what he did not say. San Junipero was a choice for people who wanted to relive their life, to remember their time. Stefan seems to not want any of those things.

"Where's your house?", Colin asked. 

"We need to drive back a few blocks", the brunet answered, the programmer followed and they drove back and passed through familiar neighbourhoods and parks. Stefan looked through every house until they finally reach his home. The place brought a lot of nostalgic feelings in him, it took some time for him to realize that he had been staring too long to notice Colin already out of the car and waiting outside their gate.

"Sorry", Stefan said and quickly unbuckled himself. He went to open the gate for the both of them and walked to the door. He stop, his hand laying on the doorknob, wondering how they would get in. Does he need keys? Will it open itself? Do they have to pry the door open?

"It won't open itself", the programmer said, he laid his hand on top of Stefan's and opened the door. The game designer was greeted with a familiar sight, it was just like how he left the house to be. 

"Sometimes I come here during the loops", Colin said while looking around the place.

"Why did you come here?", Stefan asks, surprised.

"Don't know, sometimes I was sent here, sometimes I'll come on my own", the programmer picked up an old family photo. "I never met your mom though"

"She died when I was five", the game designer said while walking to his bedroom, hoping to escape the conversation. His room was messy, his clothes were everywhere and a few books piling up on his desk. He looked at his old computer and a few of his game disks, he searched for an outlet and plugged in his computer, hoping it would work. The screen lights up and sets to start, he inserts a disc on his CPU and a game loads.

"This place is a mess", Colin observes and he walked towards Stefan, looking at what he was playing. The programmer scoffs as soon as he laid his eyes on the screen, the brunet was playing Metl Hedd. He was about to leave the room when he heard the familiar game over sound effect.

"Damn", Stefan stared at the screen as a small smile crept on his lips, he missed the feeling of playing these games, it’s as if it was his first time all over again.

The blonde was about to leave him to it when he heard the chair whirl towards his direction, "Your turn?", the game designer looks at Colin.

"You're asking me, who made that game, to a match?", the blonde reiterates

"Whoever reaches the highest level wins", Stefan offers and Colin scoffs

"Too scared?", the brunet challenges which causes the programmer to head straight for the computer. Stefan gives his chair and restarts the game, he never had a chance to see Colin play a game before so he took this opportunity. The programmer positions himself and as soon as the game starts, his concentration zeroed in on the screen, his fingers' movement were calculated and moved in a way it knows that it has played this game in every different form. It was his creation, it would be a surprise if he lo-

 _Game Over_ , the sound filled the room and an option to restart was displayed on screen. A few seconds later and there was sound of muffled snicker.

Colin looks at Stefan who tries so hard to cover his laugh, "I'll leave you to practice?", the brunet tried to say and the programmer grabbed a pillow to throw at him. The game designer shields himself and Colin went straight back to playing the game. Stefan smirks and sat on his bed, he observed the programmer play for a few minutes when he noticed the blonde's sleeves rising up showing the slashes across his wrist. Guilt wash over him as he remembered what they talked about in the restaurant. He started biting his nails, thinking of a way on how he would tell Colin, he needed to know, one way or another.

"I married Kitty", the brunet confessed while picking at his sleeves.

Colin clicks his tongue as the logo of game over flashed on the screen, he turned to Stefan, "Is that some ploy to distract me?"

"No, . . . . it wasn't", the game designer look at the blonde incredulously and then looked down again, ashamed. He heard a few clicks on the keyboard and he notice Colin restarting the game. 

Stefan took a deep breath, decided he would rather tell him everything now than carry the guilt for a longer time, "After, . . . . after 3 years in the mental institute I was cleared to leave. As soon as I got everything settled, I set out to look for her and your daughter. She was staying a few floors from your original condo unit so it wasn't that hard. The money you left won't last them a lifetime so Kitty needed to work, but she can't take care of Pearl and work at the same time. I offered my help financially and we met frequently. Pearl was 10 years old when Kitty ask me if I ever had plans to marry, she was 12 when we tied the knot"

The programmer continued playing the game. There was heavy silence and Stefan didn't know how to proceed, he was about to speak when Colin asked him, "Did you love her?”

The brunet wanted to say yes but even in his own ears it sounded like a lie so he settled for what he believed, "It felt right"

"What happened to Tuckersoft?", the programmer continued asking as he cleared level per level of the game. The game designer was confused for awhile but answered the question nonetheless, "They, uhmm, they got bankrupt a few years after and sold the building to a business company. Coincidentally, I worked there, shared the same workspace you did"

Colin continued playing, "You aren't bothered? That I married Kitty?", Stefan finally asks, wanting to clear things out.

"Kitty and I was never meant to settle down. Pearl was my legacy and Kitty has been a good friend. They were both a constant in the time loops I experience and I'm thankful for that", the blonde clarifies

"But you said you had someone you keep coming back to-", the brunet was interrupted by the sound from the computer. Colin has finished the game, he stretched his arms and turned the chair towards the game designer. "Stop assuming. Also, it’s your turn", the programmer stands up , glance at the timer **3:42** and exits the room leaving a confused Stefan behind. He had a lot of other questions to ask but the increasing pull of the computer game set on his desktop is getting harder to ignore so he resolved to ask the questions later. He got up from the bed and sat on his chair determined to finish the game in record time.

Colin look around the place. All the photographs were decades ago, he believe they were taken years when Stefan’s mother was alive. There were figurines displayed on the kitchen, an attempt for a feminine touch. The sofa was worn out and comfort blanket in it has faded. The wallpaper in the house were sliding out, no attempt to restore them whatsoever since the moment it was placed. All these pieces were testaments on how the house and its owners got stuck on its past, saving what was left of a once beautiful life.

He walked further into the house and saw two rooms. One was large enough for two occupants, he assumed it must be Stefan's parents' room, the other seem to be locked. Colin went over, examined the padlock that was hanging from the door handle. He removed it and came inside, it look like an abandoned home office. The programmer lazily rummage through the documents on the table, a lot of scraps, some drawings and just business papers. The blonde was about to leave when he noticed a metal cabinet slightly opened. He look inside it and saw a rabbit doll. It was handmade, going by the unprofessional knitting on its side, dust was all over it and a smells like it was locked in the cabinet for a very long time. He suddenly remembered that Stefan use to hold the same rabbit on an old family photograph displayed on the living room.

Stefan was concentrating on the second to the last level of the game when he felt something semi-soft hit him in the head that cause him to lose the game.

"Hey!", he looked back at Colin who was by the door, leaning on the frame, crossing his arms. He looked at the rabbit he just threw on the game designer. Stefan followed his line of sight and saw the rabbit.

"W-where did you get this?", the brunet quickly picked up the stuff toy and examined it. It was his rabbit, the same one that his mother gave and the same reason why she was gone. 

"Figured it was important. Does it have a story to tell?" the programmer urge the man, waiting patiently for a reply.

"I lost it when I was five", Stefan began, he absentmindedly caress the stuff toy. "My mom made it for me, told me it keeps the nightmare away. Whenever my parents fight, its what I cling on, begged it to make the screaming stop, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. My dad hated it, they always fought about it until one day my dad had enough, took it from my room and hid it. The next day we were supposed to meet my relatives and I refuse to go without my stuff toy. My mom gave up convincing me and left for the next train", the brunet placed the rabbit beside his computer. "That night my dad and I found out that the train got into an accident killing everyone on board."

"And all your life you blamed yourself for it", Colin finish off for him, he walked inside the room and looked at the newspaper clippings on the wall. "Are you a twink?"

Stefan stands up from his chair enraged, "What the hell is wrong with you? You ask things about my life, I answer it then you go with stupid questions an-"

"I'm working on a theory about you", the programmer face the man with a newspaper clipping on hand. "All your life, you'd been chasing the past, never learning to move on. You lost your rabbit and your mom, there's no screaming or fighting you need to silence but other things like loneliness, blame and depression. You have no rabbit to save you from that so you look for something else. You started playing games, figured that if your mind is busy solving puzzles or defeating pixelated monsters you don't have to face reality", Colin shoves the newspaper on Stefan's chest. "I know because I said the same thing on an interview."

The brunet took the newspaper clippings, it was the cut outs he got from the local news about his idol programmer, Colin Ritman. The blonde turned to him, "But games are too abstract to hold onto so you move on to something more real. Like an Idol yeah? Someone you could reach, someone you could dream about, someone real enough to chase away those dark thoughts. I became your second rabbit, you held on to the idea of me until you lost me again and you blame yourself for it. Jumping from that balcony was a choice, its either you or me and every single time that choice appear I wish you'd always choose me. You're lucky you get a clean slate when it restarts all over again but me? those things stay with me, the sound of your skull hitting the pavement, the splatter of blood, the echo of your scream. It stays with me until the cycle repeats itself."

Stefan was confused, "I-I don't understand . . ."

"I'm mad at the world. I'm infuriated with whoever or whatever is responsible for this. All those times I enter the time loop, Kitty, Pearl and Mohan was there. I know deep inside of me that they have been a constant in my life but you, you were someone new. The first ten times I wanted out, but when I know I won't get it I start looking for the source of it and it always leads me back to you, it’s always you", Colin steps closer to the brunet. "You come into my office, looking all nervous and jittery, introduce yourself and tell me you’re a fan. It always starts like that, then you show us your game and it never fails to amaze me, I thought, what kind of person would think of something like this? But you know what? I can never get the chance to know you because we can never go past the His and Hellos, the thing about Pacman and How's Bandersnatch. It’s just the surface and I'm seeking to know more, more of the person where my world revolves on. But I can't because I don't get to choose and what's more infuriating is you don't too. Everything we've suffered, everything you live through is all because we don't get to choose", the programmer held Stefan's face.

"You keep coming back for me?", realization struck the game designer and the weight of it threatens to crush him. He looked into Colin's eyes and couldn't begin to imagine how things were like for him. Stefan held the programmer's wrist and softly moved the sleeves up, he caress the slashes across it.

"Seven", the brunet whispered, 

"Seven times I saw you jumped from that window", the blonde continued for him, the game designer look at him with pity. "I guess we've been chasing each other's ghost for a very long time. Me with my time loops and you with my living memories, Kitty, Pearl, my old workspace", Stefan smiled sadly. Colin noticed the time on the back of the brunet's hand, **2:05** ,"I'll give you time to process all that", he left the room.

The game designer stood at the middle of the room, drowning with emotions. He always felt like what happened to him years ago was something apart from him, something he can take away from his life but in this very moment, it felt so real and integral in his story. It altered his life in ways he never really took the time to realize, everything that happened to him has always been a before and after or to be more precise, before and after Colin Ritman. Stefan sat on his bed and thought of everything that happened in the last 50 years of his life. He became a husband to a woman who lost the father of her child, he became a dad to a daughter who was someone's living legacy, he became a breadwinner to someone else supposed family. What Colin said was true, he had been chasing after his ghost for all his life, wanting a piece of him to stay, a living reminder that once there was a Colin Ritman in this world. Right now in this very moment he has forced himself to admit, something he has known for some time, Colin was his greatest 'What if' and if things had been in their hands then he might even be more than just his idol or more than just a friend, heck he could have even fallen in-love with him, painfully, irrevocably and against good judgement. The programmer has always been alien and beautiful to him, someone ethereal and yet when they met in person, he couldn't help but feel a strong sense of familiarity, a soul he'd met from another lifetime. They only met in the briefest of moment but he held onto his memory until he forgot there was anything else but him.

Stefan took a breath and searched for Colin. He was trying to make sense of his life for a very long time but now he knew why he can’t, because the one to give closure died along with the answers he was searching for. He saw the blonde outside, leaning onto the car they borrowed, smoking.

The brunet cleared his throat, "Maybe that's why the world breaks people differently so when they find each other, they’ll fit. Even the most broken parts”, the programmer looked at him while he walked towards the blonde, he leaned on the car beside him. He gestured for Colin to give his cigarette and the other complied. Stefan took a drag and blew out the smoke.

“I was expecting you to cough it up”, the blonde said, taking his cigarette back. 

“I guess it’s also one of your memories I took for my own. I started smoking and I never attempted to stop”, Stefan said. They both stared out on the road for a while, taking in the moment, a silent memorial for all those possibilities that never came to life.

“So you fell in-love with me?”, the brunet gathered the courage to ask. Colin scoffed, “Hard not to, my world revolve around you so I might as well take the next step”, he took a last drag of his cigarette and threw it on the ground, extinguishing it with the heel of his shoe.

“That’s a bold confession”, Stefan said.

“You’ve known me publicly and privately, was I ever anything but bold?”, the programmer glanced at the timer on the back of Stefan’s hand, “Your losing time”

**1:10**

The game designer checked, he took a deep breath, “Looks like it”

“You said you’ve made up your mind about this whole thing.”, Colin turned to face Stefan, “So I guess this is goodbye?”

The brunet looks ahead for some time before saying with resignation, “Yeah, I guess so”

“Maybe I could get a kiss?”, the programmer offered

“W-what?”, Stefan was dumbfounded, a faint blush appeared on his cheeks

“Just something to remember you by”, the blonde look at him, feigning detachment, as if it doesn’t matter if the other man would give in to his request but Stefan felt the heavy air of anticipation. It’s hardly his first kiss but as the cogs in his mind start to move coming up with an answer, he felt a sudden thrill of excitement. He knew the answer as soon as Colin asked; he just didn’t know how to approach so he allowed his action to convey his response.

Stefan turned to face Colin completely, trying to stomp down the nerves that will inevitably ruin the moment. He touched the programmer’s cheek shyly, a silent question if the blonde was serious about this. But Colin stood straighter and moved an inch closer, still leaving space if ever Stefan wanted out. The noises in the background turned to static and there was nothing but the sound of the timer on his hand.

**1:02**

“I’m happy this time you get to choose”, the blonde whispered, the brunet smiled a little and leaned closer; he can see small freckles on the other’s face he never knew was there, his long lashes and his small nose. His hand cupped the programmer’s cheek, more sure this time. He tilts his head to reach Colin’s lips, feeling the warmth radiating from both of them.

**1:01**

“Stefan . . . ”, a voice from behind said.

Both of them looked at the direction of the voice, completely dispelling the moment. A girl stood meters away from them. Orange hair and heavy make-up, she looks like the female version of the Mad Hatter.

“Kitty?”

**0:00**

Stefan slowly opens his eyes. He blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the light. He was greeted by a living room. He tried to sit up straight but the weight of his body seems to be too much for him to handle. He noticed his skin was saggy, and his hair was rough and grey. He looked at the reflective mirror on their balcony and his eyes appear dark and all of his lashes seem to have fallen out. He was back in 2008.

“So, how was it?”, Greg, the staff from San Junipero facility asked as he helped the man to his feet. Stefan was silent and concentrated all his energy on getting up. As soon as he was on his feet, he saw the chair opposite him was empty.

“My wife?”, he turned to Greg.

“She left as soon as she was done”, Pearl, her adopted daughter answered his question. He turned to see her. “I’ll escort Greg outside. She went straight to your bedroom.”

The game designer walked towards their bedroom. The condo unit they lived in was the same unit Colin once rented for his family, the ownership was transferred to Kitty and to save expenses, they made it their permanent residence. He walked in a small hallway and reached the door. Kitty looked at him with despair; she wiped the tears from her eyes.  
“8 hours”, she began, “8 hours I was looking for you. Hoping we could relive our younger lives together. I thought maybe in that reality you’d be happier, you’d have more life in you”, Stefan sat on the bed beside his wife.

“I searched you know, 1969 was my first destination, the year we were married. I don’t know how the system work but I search for a place you might look to find me. Remember the church we married in? I stayed there, looking at couples reliving the good old days. It took me 2 hours to think maybe you won’t come.”, she looked at his husband, tears threatening to fall. “I went to 1961, the first time we’ve met after your release from the institute. Maybe you’d like to relive the time you were finally free from that nightmare, so I stayed in the apartment you found me and Pearl, maybe you’ll be there reminiscing.” Stefan looked at her equally shattered as she was. “3 hours and there were no sign of you. I wasn’t bothered; I could wake up from this and ask you where you’ve been to and the next time, we’ll go together, but still, I tried. Year after year, hour after hour I go. Meeting a lot of people we know but not the one I wanted the most.”

“Kitty I’m so-“

“I never think to go to that year”, his wife interrupted him, determined to let him know what she felt. “I told myself, why would he? Why would he want to go back to that year that destroyed his life. It’s stupid, it doesn’t make sense, but when I had 30 minutes on the clock I thought, there was no harm in trying. I went to the old Tuckersoft building, maybe you like to remember what it felt to play the games that gave you life but you weren’t there. I looked in the streets, your old psychiatrist office, your school, none, no sign of you.” The woman stood up and went in front of Stefan. “I went to your old house as a last resort, not believing you’d be there, but you were, standing in front of a car, inches away from Colin!” 

The game designer bowed his head, the pain of his wife’s words sipped to his bones clawing its way to his heart. He was guilty he knew that, he had been guilty the moment he took Kitty and Pearl in. Everything had been a selfish act.

“In those 39 years of marriage I never thought to ask you anything about him. Even in private I never think to say his name, I was afraid that if I did, I’ll breathe life back to him and we can’t afford that. I thought we were both running away from his memory but I was wrong? I was running but you were desperate to go back. Why didn’t I see that?”, Kitty was desperate for answers, hoping Stefan would say that the realization she put together was wrong, and everything was just an illusion.  
“I’m sorry Kitty, I’m so sorry”, her husband said, trying to hold her hand. She pushed him away, “I should have known, I should have seen, I should have figure out that the day Colin jumped from that balcony, you died with him.”, Kitty leaned on the wall muffling her cries, “There were a lot of tell-tale signs you did, but I never gave it too much thought. I thought I could fix you, I thought I could make you happy, make it all go away but I thought wrong.”

Stefan stood up and hugged his wife, even if she tried to push him away. There was nothing he could say to make everything alright, to change what had happened, to soften the blow of the truth that he was a very selfish man, that he had been chasing ghost and it doesn’t matter who he dragged with him. He held her tight as her sobs die down, the raking of her body stops. She look at him with so much pain in her eyes.

“I’m sorry”, Stefan whispered, kissing her forehead, Kitty remained silent.

“Dad? Mom?”, Pearl entered the room, she had been standing outside their door. Her mother looked at her father one last time until she left the room. They both followed her with their gaze, there was heavy silence in the air.

“Pearl . . .”, the game designer said softly. His daughter looked back at him, wiping the tears in her eyes. 

“We’ve always known Dad. Deep down I think, we’ve always known. You weren’t living in the present time”, Pearl stepped closer to her stepdad and hugged him tight. “I’m still thankful though, you tried your best with what’s left of you.”, Stefan hugged her daughter kissing her forehead. Pearl lets go.

“I’m still grateful you were my dad, and happy that you stayed with mom. It wasn’t the best 39 years but it’s what we’ve got and I know for a fact it could have gone worse.”, the father and daughter shared a small smile. They were silent for awhile.

Pearl held her dad’s hands, “I left the papers on the coffee table and the equipment is in the sofa chair”, she took a deep breath. “I love you dad”, she kissed his hands and let go.

“I love you too, and I’m sorry”, Stefan looked at his daughter and she offered a sad smile, she left the condo unit with her mom. Stefan heard the click of the door and sat on the bed for a moment. He stayed there in silence, looking around the room filled with memories; he looked at the photographs and the unmade bed, the cabinet filled with clothes and the pair of slippers on the floor, time passing by with every tick of the clock.

2 hours later, he got up, walked outside to the living room. He slowly approached the coffee table and bent down, careful not to overstrain himself. He took a nearby pen and signed the papers, he took a figurine to stomp them down, preventing the air from dispersing it. He took slowly walk towards the sofa to pick up the equipment. He gathered the remote and the small oval equipment on his arms and head straight to the balcony. He opened the doors, the cold air reached his skin and he shivered a little. 

Stefan looked at the night sky, the stars were out tonight he noted and he walked outside. He placed the oval equipment on the side of his forehead, he felt a familiar pull to his brain. He took the remote and set the machine to his desired outcome. The air was chilly tonight, lights from the houses were bright and the streets were empty. He felt the equipment slowly invading his senses, he carefully climbed over the railing. He closed his eyes and felt his consciousness slowly slipping away. He took a deep breath . . . 

The elevator door open and Colin walked into the office. He went straight to his workspace and placed the radio over his desk. Sound filled the empty room, and the programmer sat on his reclining chair. His computer was on but he can’t be bothered to continue working on his game. He leaned over and look at the ceiling, he allowed the music to drown him and he slowly closed his eyes. Sleep was attempting to take over when he felt lips on his. 

It’s a chaste kiss, a simple peck on the mouth. He reached out, not opening his eyes and felt soft curls and flawless skin. He pushed forward for contact, and as soon as their lips meet again, chaste turns heated. Hands found their way to his cheeks and he pressed for more heat. They slowly parted for air and Colin opens his eyes. 

Stefan was looking back at him, he was upside down, blush tainting his skin, trying to recover from the high. The blonde sat up straight and faced the brunet, he held his hand noting that the timer was gone.

“I thought you made up your mind”, Colin said

“I did, I choose you”, Stefan smiles and kisses his forehead.

_They say in Heaven love comes first_  
_We’ll make Heaven a place on Earth_

**Author's Note:**

> I did tag it as a Selfish Ending, right?
> 
> Credits to maginima for some ideas.
> 
> *San Junipero is slightly different. Unlike the original where its only one place and changes is according to the time in which the user chooses, this San Junipero is a place that completely copies the state of a city to the time the user chooses, that's why Colin and Stefan was able to go back to how things were on 1958.
> 
> *(I just want to explain the plot a lil bit) As we all know, Stefan is our main character and Colin is a secondary character. If we see this as a game, our main concern would be how Stefan's plot would turn out. For example, in Pokemon games. I usually save my progress before entering a gym battle so if the battle did not end in a way I want, i would exit the game and restart from where I saved before the gym battle. So if we see this in the perspective of the characters, Stefan will have no recollection of the gym battle and would try and try until he gets the ending he wants, not affecting his memory at all, believing he is having a linear story. But how about Colin? He's just an accessory character to Stefan, he remembers everything because he don't get to save his progress, he just serves Stefan's story. For a time being they were a part of a game of fate and then broke free when the player (us) were done with that part of their life story. The pain is that they had no idea they were part of a game and they had to live the 'after' of the game (for Stefan anyway)
> 
> *My first ending for Bandersnatch was when Stefan fought with his psychiatrist. So that's what I used
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are welcome :)
> 
> Chat me up in [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pseftisincertus)


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